Within this moment now I am for you, though better men have failed

I never thought I'd die alone...

2006-12-28T05:04:07Z

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

-----------------------

I've kind of been wondering as of late, if I were to die right now, how would people feel? It just seems that it wouldn't affect some people I used to think it would. There are some people I don't even know if they care I exist anymore. Or of the people who do still talk to me, if they'd be phased at all by my passing. It worries me that I might not even be missed. That my place in people's lives is so insignificant that it wouldn't matter if I'm here any more or not. In fact, I'm begining to think maybe some people's lives would actually get better.

I'm begining to feel uneeded again. I'm begining to feel like people don't want me here anymore, because I don't matter. I feel like I'm holding peopel back, and if I wasn't here, they'd actually get out of this hell hole of a state, and do somthing with their lives.

Even people I thought loved me the most out of anyone else say they don't want to be with me anymore, that I'm boring, or that I'm no fun.

I feel like I'm a burden.

ugh

2006-10-21T01:08:13Z

I'm sick of having plans, and watching them fall through. I'm sick of half of Michelle's friends not likeing me, or thinking I'm "awkward". Fuck you, I've been "awkward" my whole fucking life, because people like you make me feel fucking awkward! I'm sick of school, and I'm sick of being told everything about school and how it'll get me far in life. Fuck school. It hasn't yet, its going nowhere, and I'm not sure if I want to go back. I'm sick of not having enough money to really do anything I want to. I'm sick of being shit on by everyone who thinks they know better than me. I'm sick of not feeling good. I'm sick of being pissed off alot. I'm sick of people telling me to "get over it" when somthing doesn't go my way. I'm sorry, if it was that easy to just "get over it", would I be upset to begin with? I'm sick of being fucking fat. I'm sick of my knees giving out on me all the time. I'm sick of not being able to share the things that michelle enjoys the most because of her friends, or because I just "can't" do it. I'm sick of being labled as stupid. I'm sick of people fucking around with me. I'm sick of not being able to be out late anymore, because I have to fucking work mornings, and no one wants to do stuff during the day, only at fucking night. I'm sick of people fucking packing up and moving away. I'm sick of people talking about how they want to pack up and move away. I'm sick of being told people miss me, yet they don't make an effort to call me anymore. I'm sick of people not listening to me. I'm sick of everyone just assumeing I won't understand, or assumeing I don't need to know. I'm sick of having to worry about Michelle and if she's ok. I'm sick of having to deal with jealosy. I'm sick of having to hear people tell me that the way I look is why I couldn't get a job. I'm sick of people comparing me to others. I'm sick of being haunted by memories of Lauren. I'm sick of having this tension between Michelle and I. I'm sick of things not going right anymore. I'm sick of watching my friends ruin their lives, or have their lives ruined because of assholes. I'm sick of watching the people I'm close to die. I'm sick of being told "if you just try harder, you'll make something of yourself". I've tried my hardest, I've given it my all to the point where all I want to do anymore at night is cry. And what has it gotten me? A minimum wage job, stuck at a community college, and still living with my parents. I'm sick of Michelle's parents judging me, and trying to make her feel bad because of me. I'm sick of them putting all that bullshit pressure on her, which in turn makes her pissy when she's around me. I'm sick of not being able to do anything becuase I don't know what to do to help her. I'm sick of being told I'd get help in WoW or GW when I get online, and when I finally do get on no one wants to help me. I'm sick of having to fucking open 6 days in a row. I'm sick of taking people's sarcasm. Its not funny, its annoying. If your going to say somthing, say what you mean. I'm sick of people fucking aroudn with eachother. I don't like the drama, and neither does anyone else. I'm sick of being avoided. If you don't want to hang out with me, just tell me. I'm sick of people just fucking aroudn with me. If you don't like me, tell me. Don't beat around the bush. Don't try to go around me. I'm sick of people cutting in on the time I get to spend with michelle. Am I being selfish? You bet your ass I am. Do I care? No. You all can go fuck yourself if you have a problem with it, I don't want to hear it. I'm sick of michelle wanting to go out all the time. Is staying in not good enough anymore? Maybe all I want to do is sit in, watch some tv, or a movie, or just talk? Why do we have to go somewhere, with other people, to do that? I'm sick of life just not going anywhere anymore. I'm sick of not going to necto anymore. I don't want to go without michelle because I want to share it with her. But I'm also sick of every time we go it sucking balls. Jynx, kick those stupid fucking shitty ass dj's out of there and just play the good shit again! Necto is turning into another X-Cel, and that's making me sad. I'm sick of people fucking hitting on Michelle, and flirting with her, and telling her how much they love her. Fuck you. If your so pissed that I'm with her and you arn't, why'd you wait? Why didn't you try when you had your chance? Or if you did, and you fucked up, too bad! I'm sick of not being good at anything. I'm sick of not being able to please anyone anymore. I'm sick of not having anything anyone wants anymore. I'm sick of fighting with everone for people's attention. I'm sick of being left out of conversations when I'M SITTING RIGHT THERE NEXT TO YOU! I'm sick of beign hypoglycemic. I'm sick of being skitzo, and having multiple personalites. I'm sick of people just blowing me off. I'm sick of people inviting me to stuff, even though they know I can't go. I'm sick of people inviting michelle to stuff, and saying they don't want me to go. You better damn well believe I think your going to try somthing with michelle if you do that. I'm sick of her friends who are complete fuck offs still trying to contact her even though i've heard her talk about how she doens't want anything to do with you anymore. I'm sick of constantly worrying about if she's even going to be there the next day. I'm sick of watching her get stressed out and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sick of watching her get fucked over by her parents and her job, and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

I'm just fucking sick of life, and I really don't want to deal with this shit anymore.

Did they sound the death march when they lowered you down?

2006-09-05T05:47:38Z

The Green Feilds of France
-Dropkick Murphys

Oh how do you do, young Willie McBride?
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside,
And rest for a while in the warm summer sun?
I've been walking all day, and I'm nearly done.
And I see by your gravestone you were only nineteen
When you joined the great fallen in Nineteen-Sixteen.
Well I hoped you died quick, and I hoped you died clean,
Or Willie McBride, was it slow and obscene?

Did they beat the drums slowly,
Did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus,
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

And Did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind?
In some loyal heart, is your memory enshrined?
And though you died back in Nineteen-Sixteen,
To that loyal heart you're forever nineteen,
Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Forever enshrined behind some old glass pane,
In an old photograph torn, tattered and stained,
And faded to yellow in a brown leather frame

Did they beat the drums slowly,
Did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus,
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

The sun's shining down on these green fields of France,
The warm wind blows gently and the red poppies dance.
The trenches have vanished long under the plow,
No gas, no barbed wire; no guns firing now!
But here in this graveyard, that's still no mans land,
The countless white crosses in mute witness stand,
To a man's blind indifference to his fellow man,
And a whole generation were butchered and damned

Did they beat the drums slowly,
Did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus,
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

And I can't help but wonder oh Willie McBride,
Do all those that lie here know why they died,
Did you really believe them when they told you the cause,
Did you really believe that this war would end wars?
Well the suffring', the sorrow, the glory, the shame,
The killing and dying it was all done in vain.
Oh Willie McBride, it all happened again,
And again and again and again and again!

Did they beat the drums slowly,
Did they play the fife lowly,
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus,
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

What of me?

2006-08-27T11:16:19Z

I want to be somthing, you know?

In this night of insomnia, where even my pills don't work, I was just hit recently with highschool nastolgia. I miss highschool, honestly. As god forsaken as that hell hole was, it was home to me for four years. I laughed, cried, and watched others do the same in those hallowed halls we called school. I got to see the best and worst of humanity on a daily basis, and I miss it.

I always had this dream during highschool of being someone. Of being famous, of accomplishing great things. And I always thought I could do it too. I also thought highschool would never end. All the people I met there, all the lives I touched, or all the parts of my life they all touched. I miss that. Sure, I've met people out of highschool I wouldn't give up even if I had to, but at what cost? I know, I know, friends come and go, but what the hell? Why is it so hard to stay in touch?

What ever happened to Dave Kresh, Andi Sayre, or anyone else for that matter? What happened to Guenivere Barr, Becca Anderson, or even Christina R. and Paul? I mean, yeah, most of the people I've stayed in touch with, but some I only see rarely, like Terry or Lennon, if at all. And Penny and Josh! What happened to them? And Chelsea from Utah! Or Krystal Studer? Jeb or John Biddle? Thomas! Joe Sorri! John and Nicole Gettle. People I always thought I'd stay in touch with I've lost all but slight contact with. I remember Mike Benidict, and all the other underclassmen of my era. Yeah, I remember you guys. Brandond, the Brandts. I remember the lunches we shared, the band halls we cluttered. I miss it.

Just recently, the freshman class of my senior year have graduated. Amanda, Samm, and everyone else! They are out of highschool! I don't know anyone there anymore. I can't go back and have it feel like the old times all over again. I can't be known walking down the halls anymore, I can't be accosted by people who've missed me because I was gone for a few days. I'm not known.

What am I leading to?

I want to BE somthing, you know? I want people to hear my name someday, look up and think for a minute, and say, "Hey... I went to highschool with that kid! We freak'n rocked it hardcore style at bandcamp!" Or I want to answer the phone of these days and have it be Dave, or Andi, wondering where the hell I am, and how I've been. Thats what I want.

Even now, with Mat, Janea, and Marlon all off at college, Kuffer going into the army, and Hanna... well... we don't know where Hanna is anymore, I'm the last one left of our group. The last one! Ashley bailed on us freshman year. Drabbi has been long gone. Ethan... where the hell has Ethan been?!? See what I mean? And what ever happened to Robert Geopp? My other half through 7th and 8th grade?

I don't know if they even think of me anymore. "Hey, whatever happened to that one guy, played tuba in highschool? Did he ever do anything with his life?"

I want to DO somthing, you know? I want to have a life. I want to wake up in the morning, and smile, because I know that sometime during this day, I'm going to do somthing that will impact people in ways that will make them think. I want people to go through there day a little better because of me. I don't want to be worshiped, I want to have friends, or people to look to me. Or both. Does that sound selfish? I don't think so, honestly. I want to feel needed, wanted, usefull... all of that. I want a purpose!

I want to HAVE somthing, you know? When people ask me what I do, and its not obvious, I want to be able to tell them more than "I'm a student", or "I'm between jobs", or even worse, "I work at some gas station/food joint". I want to tell them somthing I can be proud of! I want to say, "I rock the fuck out all day long, seven days a week", or "I teach people how to rock out". To me, thats somthing to be proud of. To influence people, to have people know you not because your popular, but because they remember you. Because you did somthing in their life so outstanding it made a permanent mark on them in a good way.

Think of music artists who give people a drive to go on with their music. Think of those teachers you had that would make you give that lil extra because they knew you could, even if you didn't think you had it left in you. Jeff English, Mrs Hoppe, Mr. freak'n Jones! Thats what I want to be. I want to make an impact. I want to show people how to feel better than I ever could.

Even now, I look at myself and see a fat loser who's life is going no where, and its true! I have no job, no classes anymore because I can't sign up for them. What happened? Where is this bright future I was always promised if I stayed in school? I stayed in school and worked my ass off for 3 more years out of highschool, and its just thrown me down into a hole I'm having a hard time seeing the top of. So what can I do? What about my dreams? What about my wants?

It all starts with a baby step, one hand over the other, and eventually I can climb out of this hole. You can rest assured that I'm not go'n down with out a fight, if there is any more down for me to go.

I want to BE something, you know? I want to HAVE somthing to show. I want to BE someone for others.

I want my life back, how I wanted it, and I want it NOW!

...

2006-07-18T19:46:48Z

Rest in peace Mrs. McQueen, you will be missed.

Dendura Concert

2006-06-17T17:10:34Z

Ok all, a local band from Grand Rapids area is coming up here to Lansing soon for a concert, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to go with me. :)

Its on Saturday, July 29th at Oades Hidden Camel - 1210 S. Washington, Lansing. They go on it seems at 8:30 or so.

Who wants to come with me? They are a good group, and I like the style. Think Dream Theatre or Nightwish-esk.

oooo!

2006-05-31T19:14:38Z

You scored as Colossus. Colossus is the strongest X-Man physically. His love for his family and his sister Illiana make him strong. Although he can be prone to fits of rage, he has a big heart under that organic steel skin. Powers: Can change his skin into organic steel making him nearly invunerable and exponentially increasing his strength

</td>

Colossus

90%

Rogue

80%

Wolverine

75%

Storm

65%

Jean Grey

50%

Emma Frost

45%

Iceman

35%

Cyclops

30%

Beast

25%

Gambit

25%

Nightcrawler

25%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

pyrogriffin @ 2006-02-26T03:24:00

2006-02-26T08:24:53Z

http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=20

Newer List - AKA: Dig Me Now, And Fuck Me Later Part 3

2006-02-12T23:16:54Z

Hey, he's do'n it again! Another one of those list thingies! Read it if you want, the others are farther back... I don't know how far. Wateva' works. I'm just updating my old one, I might do a new one if I find there are still things to be done.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still need to get intouch with Hanna. Not just about the kilt, but about her, and about momma. Note to self (and everyone else, if you wanna help remind me, that'd be appreciated): Call Hanna.
-Did that. Glad I did, I missed her. Need to talk to her more once Lion King ends.

I have to sort out the Magic cards Allen gave me (all 20 lbs or so) and the ones I had in my house to begin with to start to sell on ebay.
-Nope, still need to do that sorting party. I think its been upgraded to a good 40 lbs or so now.

I need to organize a Magic card sorting party/sleep over this winter break. Who's up for it? Let me know, and when your free/days that work best for you.
-See above.

I need to contact Dave Kresh again. Anyone who went to highschool with me, you know who I'm talking about. If you can get ahold of him, let me know how! I miss him!
-Found the lil bastard. I need to hang out w/ him now.

I need to talk to Samm and ask her to talk to Andi's little brother for me to see if there is any way I can get ahold of her. I miss her too.
-Dunno if Samm even still wants to talk to me. But I still havn't found out how to get ahold of Andi yet.

I need to get out to X-Cel to meet Nessa. Then get out there again so I can go see her.
-Did that, finally. There was a mix up, and apparently Nessa thought I was someone else. Odd, I know. But I got to talk to her b/f, and he seems cool. I should really go back at some point, but the $8 cover is killer atm.

Because I've lost so many people who were extreemly close to me, I tend to hold on to those I have left. When I mean hold on, I mean I have everyone in one giant bear hug that shows no signs of letting up. I don't want to loose anyone else I love, and I don't know if I could handle anymore.
-This isn't so much as a thing to do, as much as it is something people need to understand about me.

I worry about people when they don't talk to me for a day or two, or more, because I've had multiple times of me thinking "Oh, I havn't heard from so and so in a while. They'll be fine." And come to find out they were hospitalized b/c of an accident, and I couldn't help them. Or worse, I don't hear from them for a long while, and never get a chance to again because they have passed away. You all wonder why I am so clingy? Why I am so scared of loosing touch? Because I've never once gotten a chance to say goodbye. I've never once had the ability to hug them one last time, or even tell them I love them. Thats why. So get pissed at me all you want for being clingy, and for all the messages, and even for being creepy. But it won't ever change, because each one might be the last, and that is the one thing in my life I'm the most frightened of.
-It still stands true.

I started at 250 lbs at Holloween. I now weigh under 240, closer to 230 lbs. My goal is to get to 200-205 lbs, and have no more spare tire around my gut by spring 2006.
-I now am a consistant 215 lbs. Go me! I'm gett'n there!

I still am not what I want to be. And that is what I know I should be. But I don't know if I'll ever be a woman. So whats a woman like me supposed to do? Well, its begining to look like I get to strap on a pair of nice shit kickers, and make a difference in a few more peoples lives before I can answer that. I'll get back to you on this.
-It seems that I may be stuck with what I have. I'll have to make the best of it. At least I found someone who loves me for everything I am.

And still, the only time I ever have been pretty has been when I looked like a woman. But there's a reason I'm trying to drop this weight. I just hope I still can look like a woman. Although as it stands, I'm still pretty overweight and I don't care what you people try to say to make me feel better. I have a fucking double chin. Thats fat, people.
-Yup, still fat. But its looking less and less likely I'll be able to pass for a girl again. My shoulders are bigger than I thought.

And I'm still awkward, clumsy, slow, and I still can't write or speak to save my life. The clumsy and awkward probably won't change till I drop this extra weight. And I'm trying to learn better speech patterns and how to write so people can understand me. Slooooooooooow... going sooooo slooooooooooowly. Untill then, you'll have to put up with awkward clumsy and illcomunicating joel. At least I still have kung-fu grip.
-Ah yes, that kung-fu grip. Thats what keeps me going, let me tell you. I'm trying to get the info from Mat about the coperia thing at the YMCA near my house, so maybe that clumsy/awkwardness will be going away soon as well.

I need to get in touch with Tama to see how the design for my tattoos are coming along, and when she thinks she'll be coming up here.
-She isn't responding. Oh well, I think its b/c she's just swamped. I'll write her a letter and keep trying.

I want to go to that rave on newyears eve with Mary and Amy. But its looking less and less likely as time goes on. Damn money issue, and the fact I don't really want to be around drugs again, not right now. I just... I don't need the temptation right now. Alcohol I am starting to be able to deal with again, but drugs are a different story.
-I didn't get to go. I don't think too much of it, seeing as how it wasn't really looking like I could afford it anywho.

I'm paranoid, horribly over self concious, and have some form of an anxiety disorder. Not a good combo with my ADHD.
-Yup, still true.

Who will be here if my world crashes down to help, and who will stay with me even if takes a year or so to rebuild my world?
-I hope Michelle. But it seems a few others who I thought would be are turning out to not really care that much. I lost a few, gained somthing special. I think its an even trade off, honestly.

The ones I want I can't have because I either know they don't want me like that, they are allready taken, or they are looking at others. I may be proven wrong, but the reason I bring this up is not because I want to try and guilt trip someone. I bring it up because I don't feel bad knowing I might not be their choice. I feel odd about this. Never before have I loved someone so completely that no matter what they decided, I will be happy as long as I can still be in their life. I will be happy as long as they are happy, and they continue to talk to me. As long as they love me as a friend, or lover, or brother, I will be happy. Amanda, dear, I do love you that much.
-The fact is, I know I have found someone so amazing, so wonderful, and who does love me the way I love her in Michelle. I honestly can say I don't feel the same for Amanda as I used to, because she didn't give back anything that I gave her. I still miss Amanda, but maybe I just miss the memories. Who knows, she won't talk to me, and I have better things to spend my energy on than fretting over if I made her mad or not. She'll talk to me when she's ready, if ever.

pyrogriffin @ 2006-02-09T04:58:00

2006-02-09T09:59:47Z

I think I'm in love.

...

Scratch that. I know I'm in love.

just thought I should mention...

2006-02-03T20:19:40Z

I have to officially withdraw my status as one of the horsemen of the Apacolypse, War.

:)

pyrogriffin @ 2006-01-14T21:26:00

2006-01-15T02:26:10Z

you are darkredviolet
#600B40

Your dominant hues are red and magenta. You love doing your own thing and going on your own adventures, but there are close friends you know you just can't leave behind. You can influence others on days when you're patient, but most times you just want to go out, have fun, and do your own thing.

Your saturation level is high - you get into life and have a strong personality. Everyone you meet will either love you or hate you - either way, your goal is to get them to change the world with you. You are very hard working and don't have much patience for people without your initiative.

Your outlook on life is slightly darker than most people's. You try to see things for what they are and face situations honestly. You'd rather get to the point than look for what's good.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Let me take the blows that were meant for you, let me help you with the trials your going through...

2006-01-14T08:08:26Z

Let Me Be Your Armor
-Assemblage 23

Let me take the fall
Let me take the blame
Let me carry you from hell
To home again.

Let me walk for you
When your legs are weak
Let me find the words for you
When you can't speak

Let me be your armor
Let me be your shield
Let me take away the pain you feel (your armor)
Let me be the light
That guides your way through darkest night
Let me be your armor.

Let me take the blows
That were meant for you
Let me help you with the trials
You're going through

Let me keep you safe
From the world outside
Let me wipe away the tears
That fill your eyes

Let me be your armor
Let me be your shield
Let me take away the pain you feel (your armor)
Let me be the light
That guides your way through darkest night
Let me be your armor.

Let me keep you from
Experience you need
Let me bind you with my selfishness
And greed

Let me stifle you
Let me have control
Let me smother
Every aspect of your soul

Let me be your armor
Let me be your shield
Let me take away the pain you feel (your armor)
Let me be the light
That guides your way through darkest night
Let me be your armor.

----------

Yup, that about sums up me, and what I want to be for others. But I'm not needed anymore, because no one needs that kind of person here. Or they don't want me to be that person. Either way, what is there left for me here in Michigan?

pyrogriffin @ 2006-01-13T06:31:00

2006-01-13T11:34:41Z

Someone come get me today. I need to yell, I need to scream, and I need to get things out.

I'd like it to be Amanda. In fact, I'd perfer it be Amanda. She is the only one who will probably be able to stop me from killing someone if I relapse.

But if she refuses, then I need someone. Call me, message me on here, somthing. I need to get things out as soon as possible.

If there ever were an instance where Jesus Christ was a pro wrestler...

2006-01-13T05:15:14Z

"Whoa! Jesus in women's clothing!"

"That... that was a bra... Joel, you know we're going to hell for this, right?"

"Yup. Those boots he has, those arn't shit kickers. They're 'Sin Stompers'. Hey, the colors we can use are gold and white! That looks badass! Oh! Lets put a big 'J' and 'C' on his left and right butt cheeks, respectivly!"

"That... is... AWSOME! Lets do it!"

"Dude... move the 'J' over more so its not rideing on his butt crack."

"Ok, got it. So what entrance would he use?"

"Christian's! 'Cause he points to all his peeps!"

"THATS AWSOME! Wait... Would Jesus use pyro?"

"I dunno..."

"Ok, now we have his moves done, this'll be sweet!"

"Now if anyone asks you 'What would Jesus do?', you can reply 'Oh, a Swanton.'"

pyrogriffin @ 2006-01-12T00:27:00

2006-01-12T05:27:46Z

Dispirited Loner
You scored 28 Socially Involved, 45 Alienated, 33 Contented and 15 Optimistic

Alienated, badly discontented, and mostly hopeless that things will
improve. You're a lonely one. My advice is to take note of your
alienation score; it's higher than it could be. Although in one sense
alienation is a state in which your interests are not in harmony with
others', alienation is also a psychological state in which you have
trouble relating to and appreciating your world. Some aspects of your
world are probably better not appreciated, while others maybe are.
Nonetheless, working to transform the mind -- and/or meeting someone
who understands you and shows you love -- can relieve you of a lot of
alienation, thereby reducing your feelings of loneliness and raising
your general level of contentment. Once this takes place, you may also
find yourself more sociable, perhaps because you have less to lose by
being social, since you're comfortable in the world without an
additional friend. Consider reading Hermann Hesse's book, Steppenwolf.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 40% on Social Level
You scored higher than 80% on Alienation
You scored higher than 24% on Contentment
You scored higher than 4% on Optimism

Link: The Existential Loneliness Test written by DarkenedOaks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Random Fucking Update because I need to know

2006-01-12T01:13:24Z

What the bloody hell is this "Financial Aid Satisfactory Progress" and "Outstanding Balance in Oracle" bullshit? LCC says thats the reasons I can't sign up for classes... STILL!

Anyone have any ideas at all?

Because its you, through all these years, and I'm still in love with you...

2006-01-09T08:35:16Z

Still in Love With You
-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

So, when it rains, I'll shield your head
And when you cry, I'll wipe those tears
Because it's you, through all these years
And I'm still in love with you

Drop to my knees at Christmas time
And ask you please, if you'd be mine
Because it's you, through all these years
And I'm still in love with you

We walked the streets of the Crescent City
We held hands in China Town
We watched the sun go down on the ocean blue
That's when I knew that I would always love you

I know that everything's all right
Because it's you, through all these years
And I'm still in love with you. Yes, I'm still in love with you

-------------------------------

I don't know if I'll updating anymore. I might be sporatic at best. I'm sorry to all who read this to keep tabs on my life.

pyrogriffin @ 2006-01-07T22:12:00

2006-01-08T03:18:06Z

Tá Mo Chleamhnas A Dhéanamh
-Altan

Tá mo chleamhnas á dhéanamh inniu agus inné
Is ní mó ná go dtaitníonn an bhean údaí liom féin
Ach fuígfidh mé i mo dhiaidh í is rachaidh mé leat féin
Síos fud na coille craobhaí

A match was a-making here last night
And it isn't with the girl that I love the best
I'll leave her behind and I'll go along with you
Down by the banks of the ocean

Codladh go headara is é b'aite liom féin
Leaba ghlas den luachair a bheith faoi mo thaobh
Buidéal brandy a bheith faoi mo cheann
Is mo chailín deas óg a bheith ar lámh liom

Sleeping 'til milking time is my delight
A bed of green rushes underneath my side
A bottle of brandy underneath my head
And a charming young maid in my arms

Shiuil mise thoir agus shiuil mise thiar
Shiuil mise Corcaigh 'gus sraide Bh'l'ath Cliath
Ach samhail de mo chailin deas ni fhaca mise riamh
'Si an bhean dubh a dhfhag mo chroi craite

Oh I walked east and I walked west
I walked Cork and Dublin's streets
An equal to my love I didn't meet
She's the wee lass that's left my heart broken

------------------------------------

I finally found the song. Its the one she sang to me when I was younger when things went all to hell. I always found myself singing it when nothing ever went right. It always helped to keep me here. It always helped to make me keep going.

But she's not here to sing it anymore...

And all I want to do is say good bye.

...

2006-01-07T16:11:50Z

I need to get out. Now. I need to leave this house, this city, this state, even this country. I can't take this anymore. Someone come get me now, before I loose more.

Shiuil mise thoir agus shiuil mise thiar

2006-01-07T09:09:37Z

I need sleep... but I don't want to. I'm afraid that if I go to sleep, and I wake up, this all will have been a dream, and she'll be gone...

She slammed down the phone and gave the finger to the nightstand...

2006-01-04T23:07:17Z

Down For The Count
-Bowling For Soup

Ladies and Gentlemen! In this corner weighing in at 131 pounds...
I'm sorry correction, 126 pounds, its the girl that broke my heart.
Isn't she lovely folks? Just look at that smile
Draws me in every time...

Someone call a medic cause I think she's gonna strike again
She slammed down the phone and gave the finger to the nightstand
And holds the picture in the heart shaped frame we bought at target
Yes I think we've got a problem but I can't put my finger on it

It seems like you told me I'm in over my head
But all I remember is making out constantly
If I don't get out then I'll probably end up dead
She's the undisputed champ of my world

Down for the count, over and out
Toss in the towel cause she really got the best of me
I can't hang around, get kicked while I'm down
What was that sound?
I just wish the f-ing bell would ring

Let's get ready for verse #2!

The message on my cell says she's waiting on the call from me
to tell her that I'm sorry I can come back if I crawl
But I got bad knees and I can't say that I'm sorry
'Cept I'm sorry that I met you
Now my guard's up and I'm fighting dirty

It seems like you told me I'm in over my head
But all I remember is making out constantly
If I don't get out then I'll probably end up dead
She's the undisputed champ of my world

Down for the count, over and out
Toss in the towel cause she really got the best of me
I can't hang around, get kicked while I'm down
What was that sound?
I just wish the f-ing bell would ring

7... 8... 9... 10... Knockout!

It seems like you told me I'm in over my head
But all I remember is making out constantly
If I don't get out then I'll probably end up dead
She's the undisputed champ of my world
Undisputed champ of my world and I'm begging to be

Down for the count, over and out
Toss in the towel cause she really got the best of me
I can't hang around, get kicked while I'm down
What was that sound?
I just wish the f-ing bell would ring

(cell phone rings)
Hey, you've reached the cell phone of-
(phone beeps as numbers are entered)
Please enter your password...
(more numbers entered)
You have... 12 unheard messages. First message:

(girls voice): "Hey, its me. Look, its been three days, and I'm still waiting for an apology. I'm really getting sick of this. Then again, I did expect this from you. My mom was right, you are a loser. Why can't you just call me back? Just call me back. I mean, its not that hard to pick up the phone and just say hello. I just want to talk to you! Forget it! I'm done, loser!"

To erase this message, press si-

Message erased.

--------------------------------------------

Most lyrics sites didn't have the end of the song on it. The part where he's checking his messages on his cell phone. So I had to write it in myself. I have no idea how you format it, so I played it by ear (literally, I was listening to it as I was writing it). I think its quite important to the song, honestly. Plus, it adds to the humor factor.

Anyway, yeah, talk'n with Amanda earlier today about past relationships, I remembered why I like this song so much. It really does remind me alot of my relationship I had with Lauren, especially the bolded part. Mreh, I'm getting over her, slowly but surely. Actually, faster than I thought. Though she is making it easier on me. I think me talking about her is just me working the last of it out of my system. I think I have been talking about her less and less, but let me know if I'm wrong. Its kind of hard to use examples from other relationships, or just from other people in general, when you were with someone for a little over 3 years. Bear with me, kk?

Anywho, I go to the first practice with the Dewitt Community Band tonight. I'm looking forward to it, honestly. I get to play my tuba again! It's all greased up and ready to go, too. Everything works, and that makes me happy. Wish me luck!

I still have to sign up for classes. Hey, LCC peeps! What classes are you taking this semester? I'll see if I can't sync up somthing with you guys. I do better in the classes if I have someone there to keep me going. Hit me up with what your taking if you wouldn't mind me taking it with you if I need it!

Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams...

2006-01-04T09:27:18Z

Karma Chameleon
-Culture Club (yes, they are who did it. Not Boy George. He was *part* of the group, but there name was Culture Club!!)

Desert loving in your eyes all the way.
If I listen to your lies would you say
I'm a man without conviction,
I'm a man who doesn't know
how to sell a contradiction.
You come and go, you come and go.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream,
red gold and green, red gold and green.

Don't hear your wicked words every day
and you used to be so sweet, I heard you say
that my love was an addiction.
When we cling our love is strong.
When you go you're gone forever.
You string along, you string along.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream,
red gold and green, red gold and green.

Every day is like survival,
you're my lover, not my rival.
Every day is like survival,
you're my lover, not my rival.

I'm a man without conviction,
I'm a man who doesn't know
how to sell a contradiction.
You come and go, you come and go.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream,
red gold and green, red gold and green.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream,
red gold and green, red gold and green.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream,
red gold and green, red gold and green.

----------------------------------------------

I don't know why, but this is one of my more favorite songs. Its not only fun to sing along to, to dance to, and just listen to, but it actually means somthing to me. Go figure, eh?

Anyway, I think its time you all got an update on my wonderous life. I've been doing better, I guess. I don't know what all to write, because honestly there isn't much.

I miss Amanda. Is that bad?

More about me

2006-01-03T22:59:27Z

1. What does your LJ/GJ name mean? tis me. Part phoenix, part panther.

2. Elaborate on your primary icon? lil griffin. XD Made it meself years ago.

3. Who introduced LiveJournal/GreatestJournal to you? Gosh... I don't remember. I think Lauren.

4. How many entries and comments do you have? Er... no clue, and I don't want to check.

5. What's your current relationship status? single

6. What are you wearing right now? my new ac/dc shirt, poker chip pj pants

7. What is your current problem? i guess I think to much

8. What are you doing right now? this survey, and listening to Sinefeld that my rents are watching.

9. Can you dance? I don't know, but I try.

10. Whom do you love most? Amanda, Mary, Tama, Samm. If I go out of my way to talk to you, I love you.

11. What makes you most happy? Knowing I'm needed.

12. Are you musical? music major here.

13. What would you do if you woke up one morning and found out you were on cocaine? probably say, "Aw damnit, not again."

14. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? To get a chance to say goodbye.

15. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would it be? Griffin. Or a panther.

16. Ever have a near death experience? Yes.

17. Name one obvious quality you have? er... fat?

18. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now? Your Song by Elton John

19. Are you happy today? I'm content.

20. Who will cut and paste this first? I dunno, who reads my journal?

21. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Alex Cambell. I dunno who else. o.O

22. Where was your first kiss? can't remember.

23. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property? er... I think so.

24. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? she kicked me first.

25. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience? Yes.

26. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? depends on what I first see, back or front.

27. What do you usually order from Starbucks? I *hate* starschmucks.

28. What is your biggest mistake this year? hard to say, I make so many...

29. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Er... I stopped caring if I got hurt or not when I do stuff, does that count?

30. Say something totally random about you? i hate myself.

31. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? once, when I was really little, people said I looked like the kid from Home Alone.

32. Do you still watch kids movies or TV shows? yeah, I love Rugrats All Growed Up. :)

33. Did you have braces? yes, for over 6 years.

34. Are you comfortable with your height? sometimes. Sometimes I wish I was taller.

35. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Brushed my hair.

36. When do you know it's love? when you don't know if you grew wings and flew or if the world just fell away. Or both. When you feel like you are floating through the clouds.

37. Do you speak any other languages? Gibberish and Griffin. XD

38. What is your favorite smell? Forest after it rains, I guess.

39. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? I'd burn.

40. What magazines do you read? InQuest Gamer

41. Have you ever ridden in a Hummer limo? can't say I have.

42. Has anyone you were really close with passed away? yes...

43. Do you ever watch MTV? not anymore. Havn't in a long time. I lost my cable.

44. What's something that really annoys you? Realizing I fucked up.

45. What's something you really like? holding someone.

46. Do you like Michael Jackson? I liked some of his music, but not especially him.

47. Do you give random hugs and kisses? yes for hugs, kisses not so much to random people. I don't give them away.

48. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? week strait.

49. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? yes.

50. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the hospital? I didn't make it to the ambulance.

51. What are you thinking right now? **yawns** Damn those burgers smell good as they cook.

2005... What a Wookie!

2006-01-01T21:16:13Z

I confess that in 2005 I...

(X) kissed in the snow
(X) kissed in the rain
(X) been in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(X) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
(X) had a good relationship with someone
(X) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet (allready am)
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) gotten someone else pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
(X) kissed someone of the same sex on the lips
(X) dated someone you'll never forget
(X) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
( ) lost faith in love
(X) kissed under miseltoe

WORK/SCHOOL

(X) met one teacher you really like
(X) met one teacher you really hated
( ) found the subject you love
(X) failed a class
(X) cut class
(X) skipped school
(X) got into a fight with a classmate
(X) did something you were proud of
(X) discovered a new talent
(X) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(X) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) made a junior varsity team
(X) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office

OTHER

(X) painted a picture
(X) wrote a poem
(X) ran a mile
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
(X) double-dipped
(X) skinny-dipped
(X) went to a sleepover
( ) went to camp
(X) threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
(X) laughed till you almost peed in your pants
(X) flirted
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
(X) cooked a disasterous meal
(X) lost something important to you
(X) got a gift you adore
(X) realized something new about yourself
(X) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
( ) dyed/highlited your hair
(X) came close to losing your life
( ) someone close to you died
(X) went to a party
(X) drank alcohol
(X) drank alcohol underage
( ) tried drug(s)
( ) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(X) read a great book
(X) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
(X) saw your favorite band/artist live (one of them)
(X) saw someone famous in person
(X) did something you want to tell everyone